


Always Running Out Of Time

by AlxSteele



Series: Through The Looking Glass [18]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is sad, Alternate Universe - This World Inverted (Shadowhunters TV), Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, I'm too tired to tag, M/M, Malec, magnus is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:52:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7075852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlxSteele/pseuds/AlxSteele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the alt world from This World Inverted: Alec wakes up alone in bed once again and has to confront his feelings/doubts/worries concerning his and Magnus's relationship.</p>
<p>Or: Alt!Malec’s first real fight. Includes kissing in the rain. Angst. Happy ending…for now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Running Out Of Time

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote this one like a million times because I was having a little bit of writers block and wanted it to be perfect. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. Also, sorry for the ominous posts about it on Tumblr. ;)  
> TheLittleBlackCap (who I love because you are way too nice and sweet to me) once mentioned things about Magnus sneaking out at night because he’s back in the shadow world and everything which helped inspire this one.
> 
> Title from Always Running Out Of Time by Motion City Soundtrack

Alec woke up in the morning and immediately knew he’d overslept. He rubbed his face groggily, rolling over onto his side. Eyes still closed, he reached out, frowning when he kept reaching and reaching and never came into contact with another body.

Lips pressed together in a tight line, his heart felt like it was shrinking in his chest, his throat tightening, stomach clenching.

Alec ignored all that – ignored the feeling building in his chest, the thoughts pressing at his mind – as he slowly blinked his eyes open. The room was dark and silent, a deep silence that continued throughout the whole loft. It was a feeling in the air, something he knew instinctively; Magnus wasn’t there.

Flopping back against the pillow, Alec rolled over and buried his head underneath another pillow. He breathed slowly, trying to calm his racing pulse and staggering mind that was jumping from thought to thought faster than he could keep up with.

He really just wanted to go back to sleep.

So what if he was already late. So what if he didn’t even know what time it was or just how little time he had before he was supposed to be at work. All he wanted right then was to go back to sleep; to keep the warm, fuzzy haze that had surrounded him when he first woke up and forget everything else.

What Alec didn’t want, was to have to think. He didn’t want to think about how Magnus had called him last night, after canceling two date nights, and asked him to come over. How he’d called again, only an hour later, telling Alec to still come over but that he’d be late. How he’d called one more time, hours later, and Alec had let it go to voicemail because he was almost asleep in Magnus’ empty bed…

He didn’t want to think about how he’d woken up as Magnus tiptoed around the room in the middle of the night before finally climbing into bed. Alec hadn’t said anything, just turned over and wrapped himself around the shorter man before falling asleep again.

Alec didn’t want to remember how all those things had made him feel –  how they still made him feel, which could basically all be summed up nicely in one word: crappy. It made him feel bad in ways he’d never felt before. In ways he’d never imagined he could feel.

He missed Magnus because they’d barely seen each other all week, but there was so much _more_ to it. So much that Alec did not want to think about.

But he was. He was thinking about Magnus canceling plans. About the vague excuses that he gave that Alec refused to put much thought into because then he would have to acknowledge that they didn’t add up, they didn’t make sense.

He was thinking about Magnus keeping secrets and Magnus not trusting him and Magnus not willing to give Alec anything more than he already had; not willing to tell Alec about his past, about his life. And that made Alec feel really, really _crappy._

Alec’s chest grew even tighter, making it hard to breathe.

Since he was thinking about it – since sleep was about as far away as possible and that warm, fluffy feeling he’d woken with was a distance memory – Alec rolled back over onto his back, staring up at the dark ceiling.

He hated feeling like this. Like he didn’t know what was going on in Magnus’s life. Like someone else’s life mattered so much to him. Hated that he somehow relied on someone else to make him feel like things were okay.

Most of all, he hated the uncertainty. Not knowing for sure how Magnus felt. Not knowing how to tell Magnus how he felt for the sudden fear that he didn’t feel the same way.

Alec drew in a ragged breath, closing his eyes.

At first, Alec hadn’t told Magnus he loved him because it was enough to just _feel_ it, because he could see that Magnus felt it too. Now…he was scared. And Alec Lightwood hated being scared. He couldn’t even say for sure what he was scared of. That Magnus didn’t feel the same? That he wouldn’t say it back or that it would scare him off? That it wasn’t _enough_?

Alec was tired of feeling like this and tired of lying in bed, alone, being miserable. That was not Alec Lightwood… At least, he’d never thought it was before. He didn’t want it to be.

So he sat up, kicked off the blankets and crawled out of bed. That’s when he found the note, written in Magnus’ perfect scrawling script.

Alec’s eyes ran over it and suddenly it was like the last twenty minutes didn’t exist. He grinned, walking towards the bathroom to get ready.

 

_Alexander, I’m so sorry for last night. Forgive me?_

_I promise, tonight, just me and you._

_P.s. if it helps, I killed a spider for you this morning. It was in the shower. I think it was waiting for you._

_Love,_

_Magnus_

 

Alec couldn’t stop grinning. Not as he showered and got dressed. Not as he rushed to get to work on time.

Every time he did, he remembered how Magnus had signed the note. Not just Magnus. _Love Magnus_. It shouldn’t have been a big deal but Alec _knew_ Magnus, and he would’ve agonized all morning over what to write before settling on love.

Maybe it was nothing. But maybe it was something.

***

“So, guys night soon?” Jace asked, sliding into the seat across from Alec’s and sliding Alec an espresso at the same time.

Alec looked up from his phone, blinking slowly. “Huh?”

Jace rolled his eyes, flipping his hair back. “You, me, maybe the wimp, guys night?”

“Oh. Sure.” Alec didn’t know, if by wimp, Jace meant Max or Simon, but it didn’t really matter. Jace did this occasionally, planned “guys nights” that always ended up being “Jace following Clary around like a lost puppy” nights. Considering Alec’s current situation — perpetually confused and pining for his boyfriend whenever they spent mere minutes away from each other — Alec decided not to make fun of Jace for once.

“Hey,” Jace said, pulling Alec’s attention away from his phone once again.

Jace nodded towards the coffee and Alec quickly took a sip, nodding. “It’s good.”

Jace rolled his eyes. “I know, I made it.”

Alec laughed, truthfully he’d already forgotten what Jace had said. Alec set his phone down, staring off into space.

Jace bumped his shoulder, waiting for Alec to look up before talking, “You okay?”

Alec nodded, possibly too much to be convincing. Cleared his throat, “Yeah. Of course. Just got to get back to work. See you Friday?”

Jace nodded, looking confused as Alec quickly stood up.

“You sure you’re okay?” Jace called after him as he walked away.

_I’m panicking. I can’t breathe and I have no idea how to stop this feeling in my chest that’s like I’m dying_. “Yup. Everything’s good,” he called back.

Alec definitely wasn’t stuck on thinking about all those things he didn’t want to think about again. He wasn’t remembering Camille’s words –he didn’t even know who she was beyond Magnus’ ex - of course he wasn’t obsessing over what she’d said. _He’ll break your heart_. _He doesn’t want to be in love; he doesn’t believe in it._

Alec didn’t notice he was biting his lip until his phone rang, startling him and making him bite down harder, breaking skin.

Alec glanced at the phone, a smile tilting up the corners of his mouth. “Magnus.”

***

Alec was getting ready when Magnus called again. His stomach plummeted at the first note of his ringtone, blood pumping through his ears, a bitter taste in his mouth. He didn’t want to answer the phone, had to force himself to pick it up.

His palms were sweating, mind spinning. He needed to get a grip.

Alec cleared his throat before sliding his thumb across the phone and bringing it to his ear. “Magnus,” he greeted, trying for his normal cheer.

This was not Alec Lightwood, he thought suddenly, with great clarity. This was not Magnus Bane either. Not the one he’d thought he’d known.

Magnus’ voice was soft and filled with regret. Alec could practically see him, pacing the loft, frown creating a crease between his eyes. Alec’s heart thudded in his chest, nearly drowning out Magnus’s words. “I’m so sorry Alexander, but something came up. It’s—”

Alec cut him off, anything to get this over with, to hang up so he could find a way to stop the ache in his chest. “I was about to call actually,” Alec said quickly, sounding as normal as ever. _Smooth, Alec, be smooth_. “Something came up with Izzy, she had a fight with Simon or something. Either way, she texted SOS which means I’m supposed to be there five minutes ago with ice cream. So do your thing and we’ll meet up tomorrow or whatever.”

Magnus paused for second in which Alec could clearly hear him breathing on the other end of the phone. “I am sorry still, Alexander. Tomorrow, I promise.”

Alec had to swallow multiple times before he could reply. “Me too,” he said softly, not meaning it. Not sure if Magnus meant it.

The white noise of rushing blood was filling his ears again; he was only vaguely aware of where he was. He wanted this moment to be over. He wanted to go back to before the moment started. To before the day had started.

This was not Alec Lightwood. Pining and lost. This was not Alec Lightwood, who wanted to curl up in bed with his own gallon of ice cream.

This was not Alec Lightwood who was so unsure of his relationship when days before he was nothing but…floating on air, heart racing, chest aching in the best way, barely biting back a permanent grin because he was in love.

It seemed, for a moment, that they were both just listening to the other breathe; both just standing there, locked in that moment where they both knew they were pretending. Pretending this was a normal conversation. Pretending everything was fine.

“Take care of Isabelle,” Magnus finally said.

He managed a laugh, scoffing, “Of course.”

Then he hung up.

Alec sat down on the edge of his bed in his tiny apartment, staring at his hands. This wasn’t Alec Lightwood, he thought again. Alec Lightwood didn’t pine, especially not for someone he was supposed to be dating.

He was just overacting probably. Magnus was just busy. Alec was just spoiled on spending so much time with him. It was _nothing_. Alec Lightwood didn’t pine, so he’d stop. And Magnus didn’t break off dates for no reason. Magnus didn’t lie. Alec should just trust him.

Yet, thinking all those things, over and over again; telling himself it was nothing; he was overreacting; he had a life outside Magnus and of course Magnus had a life outside of Alec… None of it made him feel any better.

It didn’t stop him from feeling like Magnus was keeping something from him. Didn’t stop him from feeling the space between them ever so slowly getting bigger and bigger. Didn’t stop him from being sad and, later, pissed.

***

Magnus got home late that night. The werewolf attacks had only gotten worse since Luke was attacked, increasing by almost double during the three days Magnus was in London, helping Catarina.

Magnus was exhausted from healing a young girl who’d been attacked. Exhausted from life really. His magic was depleted after trying to track the werewolves, with no luck. And he… Well, it was stupid, but he missed Alec. He kept having to cancel on him and Magnus was worried. He’d tried not to read too much into their conversation on the phone but he’d thought he’d sensed something in Alexander’s words.

Magnus walked into the loft and promptly flopped down on the couch, determined to never move again.

There came a soft knock on the door what felt like only minutes later, but was actually late the next day. Magnus groaned, debating getting up to answer it when a key turned in the lock and it opened by itself.

“Alexander,” Magnus said, surprised as he quickly rose to his feet, trying to straighten out his rumpled shirt.

Alec was like a storm, raging through the night sky. It took Magnus a moment to realize this however, as Alec strode in, letting the door close behind him. Magnus was busy losing his breath as he always did when seeing Alec. Alec the storm, however, raged through the room, barely stopping to look at Magnus as he began pacing back and forth furiously.

“I’m driving myself crazy,” Alec finally said.

Magnus’ head had been turning back and forth, following the dark haired boy. His gaze came to rest on Alec’s face when he stopped and turned towards Magnus.

Alec looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His normally impeccable hair was a mess, there were bags under his red eyes, and he was wearing sweat pants, Magnus noticed, something he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Alec in before.

“Alexander,” Magnus started, frowning, confused and worried as his stomach started churning.

Alec waved him off. “Please, just let me talk first.”

Alec breathed deeply, Magnus saw him swallow, Adam's apple bobbing. “I…I’m not good with relationships, okay? But this…it’s driving me crazy. _You’re_ driving me crazy.” Magnus had stopped breathing but Alec didn’t appear to notice. “In a good way most the time but…” Alec stopped, running his hands through his hair and pulling lightly.

Magnus's heart constricted in his chest, cutting off blood flow to the rest of his body.

Alec took a deep, calming breath and looked up at Magnus slowly until their gazes locked. Alec looked more vulnerable than Magnus had ever seen him.

“I know you’re keeping things from me, Magnus. And I can’t keep just kissing you every time things start to go wrong. Every time I can feel you pulling away. Every time you avoid an important question or tell me an obvious lie.”

Magnus’ heart had jumped and was now lodged somewhere in his throat. His stomach was hollow. He couldn’t _breathe_. This was it, the moment he’d been dreading so much he was almost looking forward to it.

He opened his mouth, about to say Alec’s name again, but closed it without uttering a single syllable.

Alec swallowed again, his voice getting ever calmer. “I don’t even know what I’m doing,” he sighed, running his hand over his face. He stared back at Magnus who could do nothing but watch him and breathe raggedly.

“I just came over here because I haven’t seen you all week and I wanted to see you but it’s like…everything’s building up and… I don’t know anymore.”

They were both hurting, both insecure and scared, and neither of them knew how to deal with it just then. They could kiss again, pretend nothing was wrong.

They could stay there, staring at each other and never accomplish anything.

Alec could keep pushing and Magnus could push back because he couldn’t tell Alec, not _yet_ , not when he was hurting and angry and Magnus just wanted him to stop feeling all that.

Or Magnus could tell him the truth…

They were both breathing heavily, staring at each other like they held the other’s heart in their hands and they were slowly clenching their fists.

Alec shook his head. “I just… Please, _please_ stop telling me you’re going to meet Raphael after work because he lost his dog and needs comforting or whatever it was.”

“I don’t think I ever actually said that one,” Magnus said and he didn’t know why he said it but that he needed to say _something_.

Alec just kept looking at him and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do anymore. Knew what Alec meant was, _please stop lying to me_. And…wasn’t that what Magnus had been doing, since the very beginning?

Magnus was somehow disconnected from it all. He had to be. So the pain of the moment wouldn’t crush him, wouldn’t wreck and destroy him and leave him a bleeding mess on the floor.

“Why don’t you trust me?” Alec asked and his voice was hurt and broken and angry and vicious and there was too much emotion in that one question for both of them.

“I _do_ trust you, Alexander,” Magnus said as his heart swelled and contracted painfully, as he got more tongue-tied and nervous than ever before.

Alec was shaking his head. Magnus was shaking his head. But no words came out.

Then: “No,” Alec said, voice breaking, looking away like he couldn’t bear to look at Magnus any longer. “You _don’t_. You won’t tell me about your past or what you’ve been doing every night this week. You won’t _trust me_ with those parts of you.”

They weren’t screaming, but it felt like they were. They weren’t fighting, but it felt like they should be.

“I know you’re hiding something Magnus and I just… You can _tell me_ ,” Alec said, eyes burrowing into Magnus’s once more, begging Magnus for something he wasn’t sure he could give.

Not yet, Magnus thought, please not yet. He wanted so desperately to go back a week and just be happy, everything could be easy and perfect again.

“If we can’t trust each other…what are we even doing?”

They weren’t screaming. They were standing perfectly still, staring straight at each other. Yet they were both breathing heavy, hearts hammering, lungs struggling like they’d run miles in the last few minutes. Maybe they had.

Magnus didn’t know what was happening but it _hurt_ and scared him and he couldn’t get the words out to fix it. Wasn’t even sure of everything that was suddenly broken.

“This… I can’t keep doing this,” Alec gestured to the world at large but Magnus knew exactly what he meant and he forgot how to breathe all over again, forgot how to live.

Alec blinked slowly, shaking his head. “But this it - it _isn’t_ a breakup or anything,” he said softly. “It’s just… I just need…” He didn’t finish the sentence, stood there, looking worn out and… _broken_. Much like Magnus felt.

And then he left. Closing and locking the loft door behind him and this, _this_ is what got Magnus because Alec was always complaining about Magnus never locking his door. And even now, even when Magnus was so clearly breaking his heart, he made sure the door was locked on his way out.

Magnus collapsed back on the couch, feeling very much like he wanted to sob. Instead, he snapped his fingers, summoning a glass of whiskey. This was what he got, he thought, for lying. For keeping things from the person he was so deeply in love with. As he took his first sip, he realized something, quite simply.

_I have to tell him. I have to tell him, even if it means losing him._

***

Alec couldn’t sleep that night. All he could do was relive the night. Everything he’d said… Everything he’d felt. The look on Magnus’ face when he first walked in, like he was relieved and happy, a smile turning up his lips. The smile falling away. The pain flashing in Magnus’s eyes. The confusion as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to do, supposed to say.

All Alec wanted was to go back and start over. Fix things. He’d only wanted to spend time with Magnus but every step up the stairs to the loft, Alec just got angrier and angrier and he couldn’t keep quiet a minute longer. He was hurt and scared and so _tired_ of pretending things were just going to magically be okay between them.

Alec… Alec _loved_ Magnus. But he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t be honest. With someone who wouldn’t open up to him.

But… Alec couldn’t lose Magnus. Not right now. Not ever maybe.

_Compromise,_ Alec told himself. _You could compromise._

He wasn’t sure if he meant it or not. Not until someone knocked on his door in the middle of the night and he opened it to find Magnus Bane; soaking wet, dripping water on the ground, hair plastered across his face.

“Alexander,” Magnus started and his voice killed Alec. It slayed him where he stood, leaning heavily against the door. It reached inside him and squeezed his heart until it stopped beating. It was broken and strong, hurt and angry, and determined. “I’m so sorry. And I need to tell you —”

Alec lurched forward, cutting him off. Alec’s arms slid around his waist, crushing the smaller man to him as their lips met; Magnus’ breath whooshing from his body.

Alec didn’t care that Magnus was in the middle of saying something important. He didn’t care that Magnus was soaked and, already the water rolling off of him was soaking Alec’s clothes. He didn’t even care that Magnus was freezing cold. Alec could warm him right back up.

He broke away, barely breathing, breathing too hard. He ran his fingers through Magnus’s hair, combing it out of his eyes that were blown wide, staring up at Alec and looking so much younger than he ever had before.

Alec leaned their foreheads together. “We’ll figure it out later,” he whispered before tugging Magnus into his apartment.

Magnus closed the door and then they were kissing again, both letting it say everything they couldn’t. One kiss to say everything they weren’t ready too. One kiss to rewrite everything that had been said at the loft, to make it fade into a distant memory. One kiss to say that they both knew things weren’t going perfectly anymore.

One kiss to say that they both knew they were in love with each other but too scared. Too scared to say it. Too scared to mean it. Too scared to fall that last little bit. Too scared for it to be real because if it was real then it could be doomed, then it could end. Terrified to move past this spot, dancing around all the words they needed to say to each other. All boiling down to, I love you. And: I’m scared to lose you.

They were idiots who were in love and couldn’t even say the words for fear of hurting themselves or each other. So they let one kiss, and then another and another, say all that they couldn’t.

***

They were doomed from the start, Magnus thought. But he wasn’t sure if it was in a bad way. He was going to tell Alec, soon, he knew he couldn’t last much longer without telling him. Knew he should tell him right that moment but he let Alec kiss him instead.

He didn’t know what would happen next – Were they doomed to end? Or just to start, to fall and see where they landed? Maybe they were just doomed to be consumed in each other. And, right then, Magnus thought that didn’t seem so bad at all.

**Author's Note:**

> The countdown continues. Two more…then things will happen…
> 
> Also, real quick, I want to say I’m terribly sorry for how far behind I am in replying to messages. You guys leave such nice comments and I like to keep up with replying to them and I’ve been behind for like a month now because I’ve been prioritizing writing over that but I just want to say I love you all, and I see all the lovely comments, and I really appreciate it and one day I will finally catch up! <3<3<3
> 
> Come yell at me on [Tumblr](http://imawriteriwrite.tumblr.com/) but be warned, I'm evil in hinting at the upcoming updates. ;)
> 
> I love you, you lovely biscuits, thanks so much for sticking this out with me! I never really thought this story would carry on so long and it never would've without all of you! <3<3<3
> 
> p.s. last time things got messed up when I was formatting and paragraphs repeated (I don't know how it happened really) hopefully it doesn't happen again but you'll have my eternal gratitude if you happened to notice something and let me know in the comments.


End file.
